did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
