I think my fart just growled at me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
