I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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