if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
