im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
