Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Randomize
