I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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