remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
