It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's blow job season.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize