wat bout pragnant strippers??
dude i'm inner monologue high
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
