the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize