dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
