i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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