Midget sex pt 2 tonight
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
