he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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