Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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