there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
