I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
