God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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