can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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