I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
