ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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