I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
