If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
