I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do vagina's smell?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
