My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude i'm inner monologue high
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
