my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
