i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
