i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
