Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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