Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Semen is not good for contacts.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Oh god it's open bar.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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