The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
