I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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