I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The feeling are messing with the penis
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
