I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
