i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
