Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
