I just pynch a tree in the face
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
