Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
