how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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