At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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