So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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