my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
