I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
