Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
