: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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