3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
