He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
