My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Randomize
