All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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