dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
