The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize