I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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