my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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