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Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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