He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
