I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
