If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
