ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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