And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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