I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
