Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
