Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
