Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
