I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
