it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize