1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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