we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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