dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
