you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
