My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
