one two three fourrrrnication!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
