i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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