I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
