I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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