I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
